Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
Islam states that marriage is half of our deen and sexual abstinence is actually discouraged in Islam. Since you can't have one without the other (no pre-martial sex) in Islam, plenty of people encourage youngsters who face temptation to marry as early as possible. While I'll save that issue for another post, I will say this: it comes as no surprise given Islam's emphasis on marriage, that marriage is proven to be beneficial. So for those of us who are looking to get married or re-married inshAllah, or enjoying their marriage already, congrats! May Allah SWT grant you happiness, ameen. Studies actually show that married persons are more likely to enjoy longer lives than their counterparts who have never been married. That's right--they even have shorter life spans than divorcees! (edit: Not picking on un-married people at all, divorcees or never-married ones included!!)
Other studies show additional benefits of marriage, including healthier lives. Woohoo for healthier, longer lives.
The sexual relationship, or state of it rather, is vital to a marriage. Obviously a good intimate relationship can bring a couple closer together. I'm sure we've all heard how lack of sexual satisfaction can impact a marriage. Without getting into that or spending too much time, let's just jump right in and discuss a few misconceptions, etc. that can impact sex and in turn, the overall marriage.
.: Pre-marital Sexual Experiences :.
Were you sexually molested? Did you engage in pre-marital sex? Were you raped?
Basically, you find yourself saying you experienced one of the above or something where you say, "I can't forgive myself for that / overcome that experience."
I've posted before about victims of sexual abuse. I didn't go into the subject much, but I shared statistics that 1 in 4 women has been a victim. Many of these women feel that they are unable to experience pleasure because of psychological or physical associations with intimacy. Flashbacks can often spring up and set a victim off without warning. Flashbacks can taint moments for a person who has messed around before marriage, too and interfere with intimate moments between spouses.
I'm not a therapist so I really don't feel I can speak adequately on this issue. I do know though that Allah SWT is the Most Merciful and greater than any therapist. By all means, don't ignore the help counseling can offer, but don't forget that Allah knows us better than any counselor or even we know ourselves. What can we not turn to turn to Allah in help for? That's right--nothing! There is no more trustworthy of a listener and helper. Turn to Allah SWT in full abandon. We all know it is Allah alone that can offer us ease. Through trust and obedience in Allah we will grow even closer to the compass of His mercy.
~*~
I think it's important as well to communicate. I understand it can be difficult to bring up these experiences when sometimes all you want is to escape them. It's hard to face them. It takes courage to try to find the words to talk about it to even your partner. Yet it's important to find a way to attempt to so you can allow your partner the chance to be there for you and begin to find a way to "work" with you. For example, if you suddendly feel unable to be intimate in an intimate act out of the blue because of a flashback, your partner needs to know. Sometimes in the heat of passion they may not immediately notice a subtle change despite all the emotions raging inside of you. Don't worry about sharing what's happening to you and "ruining" the moment. Don't! Your husband is not using you or hurting you, not victimizing you. Sex isn't all he cares about because to him, you are not just a sexual object. So don't underestimate him or your relationship, and try to see this as an opprotunity to help yourselves. Your past is a part of you and while it is unpleasant and I'd imagine you might even feel guilty at times telling yourself it's a burden for your husband... quit being silly. He loves all of you, and is always there to understand and learn more of you. You can only grow by opening your hearts to each other. Helping each other work on something like this will help you move towards closure, and help you enjoy sexual intimacy with your husband because it builds TRUST. With trust you will eventually be able to inshAllah enjoy being sexual in your marriage and see it as something completely different than what you experienced. So... COMMUNICATE!
Regarding past relationships, whether you're the spouse that's been a part of them or your spouse is, it can be hard for some to forgive such actions. Jealousy, questioning, doubts, etc. can creep into people's minds. Remember that we can only turn to Allah for forgiveness. Repent and move away from your former life. Forgive your spouse. It may be difficult, but trust is important and you should be able to trust your spouse. Not all deserve trust by default, but if you want to get over an old issue that's not a current behavior, it's best to pray for forgiveness and work towards betterment together through a halal relationship. Let's remember also that Allah SWT says not to go NEAR adultery. One of the ways we can do this is by remembering that when we marry, we have a halal avenue for our sexual desires. Sex should be a comfortable way for both partners to experience these desires, and we shouldn't deny our spouses this within reason. Some people twist this aspect of marriage in Islam to say a woman must always have sex with her husband, at the drop of a hat, whenever or is responsible for his indiscretions. This is NOT true of course. Spouses should respect each other and work to avoid what's haram at all times and circumstances. One glaring example of why the "drop of a hat" allegation is just plain ol' wrong is that Sura 2 of the Quran states men should avoid sex with a woman during her menses. It doesn't state anywhere that this means a husband can do what he wants in the meantime. We must all practice self-restraint. We're not animals. Anyway, no sin belongs to another person, we each go to our own graves. But sharing our bodies with our spouse can help us both avoid such actions and stay stronger against temptations, heal broken sexual experiences, and allow intimacy to deepen a relationship.
.: Muslim's Can not Have 'Great' Sex :.
This can be a delicate subject to talk about, or at least a difficult. Some people think that Muslims just can't have "freedom" sexually. Some Muslims even believe that there is only one halal sex technique. I won't go into this issue much more other than to say Allah SWT made sex an intimate experience to be enjoyed by the husband and wife. You have privacy to do whatever you desire within the boundaries of what is halal. I think we all know that sex is very private and should only be spoken, referred to, etc. about on an intimate level between the husband and wife to safeguard their partners modesty and privacy. No discussing what happens in the bedroom to others! The Quran says in Surah 9 that we should be each other's "protectors."
.: Sex is Sinful :.
Sex between two married people in Islam is a gift from Allah SWT. There's nothing sinful about it. Think of yourself like two pieces that are precious themselves but something even more special altogether. One of you is an engagement ring, and one of you is... a diamond solitaire ring insert, lol. You're each pieces of a puzzle that complete each other is my point. Together, you are a whole new gift to be experienced, opened, whatever, and enjoyed as a couple. The Quran says the most beautiful thing about spouses, saying they are to be the "the comfort of our eyes." MasAllah! Our bodies are for our spouses alone, and we are a comfort, in all ways, to our spouse. So take it from your mind that sex is one bit sinful among marital partners. Allah SWT made nothing sinful. Some people think it's from Satan or something but remember, Allah is the Creator. Satan is the created and can not do something like that.
Regarding past relationships, whether you're the spouse that's been a part of them or your spouse is, it can be hard for some to forgive such actions. Jealousy, questioning, doubts, etc. can creep into people's minds. Remember that we can only turn to Allah for forgiveness. Repent and move away from your former life. Forgive your spouse. It may be difficult, but trust is important and you should be able to trust your spouse. Not all deserve trust by default, but if you want to get over an old issue that's not a current behavior, it's best to pray for forgiveness and work towards betterment together through a halal relationship. Let's remember also that Allah SWT says not to go NEAR adultery. One of the ways we can do this is by remembering that when we marry, we have a halal avenue for our sexual desires. Sex should be a comfortable way for both partners to experience these desires, and we shouldn't deny our spouses this within reason. Some people twist this aspect of marriage in Islam to say a woman must always have sex with her husband, at the drop of a hat, whenever or is responsible for his indiscretions. This is NOT true of course. Spouses should respect each other and work to avoid what's haram at all times and circumstances. One glaring example of why the "drop of a hat" allegation is just plain ol' wrong is that Sura 2 of the Quran states men should avoid sex with a woman during her menses. It doesn't state anywhere that this means a husband can do what he wants in the meantime. We must all practice self-restraint. We're not animals. Anyway, no sin belongs to another person, we each go to our own graves. But sharing our bodies with our spouse can help us both avoid such actions and stay stronger against temptations, heal broken sexual experiences, and allow intimacy to deepen a relationship.
.: Muslim's Can not Have 'Great' Sex :.
This can be a delicate subject to talk about, or at least a difficult. Some people think that Muslims just can't have "freedom" sexually. Some Muslims even believe that there is only one halal sex technique. I won't go into this issue much more other than to say Allah SWT made sex an intimate experience to be enjoyed by the husband and wife. You have privacy to do whatever you desire within the boundaries of what is halal. I think we all know that sex is very private and should only be spoken, referred to, etc. about on an intimate level between the husband and wife to safeguard their partners modesty and privacy. No discussing what happens in the bedroom to others! The Quran says in Surah 9 that we should be each other's "protectors."
.: Sex is Sinful :.
Sex between two married people in Islam is a gift from Allah SWT. There's nothing sinful about it. Think of yourself like two pieces that are precious themselves but something even more special altogether. One of you is an engagement ring, and one of you is... a diamond solitaire ring insert, lol. You're each pieces of a puzzle that complete each other is my point. Together, you are a whole new gift to be experienced, opened, whatever, and enjoyed as a couple. The Quran says the most beautiful thing about spouses, saying they are to be the "the comfort of our eyes." MasAllah! Our bodies are for our spouses alone, and we are a comfort, in all ways, to our spouse. So take it from your mind that sex is one bit sinful among marital partners. Allah SWT made nothing sinful. Some people think it's from Satan or something but remember, Allah is the Creator. Satan is the created and can not do something like that.
